Tag Archives: divorce

How I Eat, Pray, Love

18 Aug

read_eat-pray-love

As a divorcee later in life myself, I was curious about  Eat Pray Love. I’ve read the book and I saw the movie over the weekend. Although the story was charming, I had a hard time relating.

It did not resonate with me in the way it did with so many women.  I have been on a similar journey and it has taken years. I was never as unhappy about divorcing as Liz(Julia Roberts) was and I had had many years to consider it.  My children had been born and grown to adulthood. Some people would say I have already “lived my life” which Liz had not. So for me it was more of a rebirth and re-inventing of my life with joy. I knew that my attitude was in my control and I determined to keep it upbeat and positive. I had a strong spiritual belief system before we started divorce proceedings.

There were some profound moments in the film, though.

At one point in the movie, Liz has a very interesting exchange with David (James Franco) that caught my attention.  He said something like, “Let’s stay together even though it makes us miserable. So that we can avoid missing each other if we are apart. Since we love each other.”  I believe that a lot of people stay together because they don’t want to miss each other. And they are afraid.

If someone said that to me,now, I would run the other way. Thankfully, Liz was finally able to move past his dysfunctional statement. She learned to love him in her heart and let the relationship go because it was toxic. This may be the most important part of the movie.

She learned that not every relationship is meant to be. It is OK to let someone go if it doesn’t serve you. This is a hard lesson for most of us, but one that I believe must be learned.  We are all living longer and healthier lives and sometimes it is the right choice to go forward alone.

ADHD should not be dreaded or feared

8 Jul

This is a very poor reason for divorce:
“ADHD is a very challenging diagnosis,” says The Complete Divorce Handbook author Brette Semper, and raising a child with this disorder is expensive, stressful, and emotionally consuming. It’s definitely going to put a huge stress on a marriage.”

I just read the above statement and it really makes me sad for families who believe it. All this money spent and so much angst involved. Before this was determined to be a disease children with these symptoms had a tough time in childhood, but most of them survived and so did their parents.

I am not a doctor. So this is just my opinion, which has not stopped me in the past, from expressing it. ADHD simply implies lack of focus, sometimes extraordinary imagination, often a heightened I Q and a lot of energy. Which of these things is really so bad? Give these children a break. understand that they need to learn in different ways perhaps, but most of them eventually learn plenty. Plus they learn patience, ingenuity and creativity. Be proud if one or more of your children is diagnosed with the condition. But take it all with a grain of salt. Do not medicate these children, unless they are totally unmanageble, and likely to do themselves harm. Even then I would suggest that the parents get counseling and leave the children alone. Love your children, it does a world of good. Do NOT hover over them, and let them grow up making mistakes. That is how we learn.

Do you know how many children in this country are medicated? (Neither do I, but it is a LOT). The idea that we would medicate hundreds of thousands of children over time is preposterous. Remember that old saying “Let your food be your medicine” ? Well, if you take that seriously which everyone should, you can probably alleviate or eliminate the whole ADHD syndrome. Ban sugar, ban white flour, ban additives. Feed your child pure water, uncontaminated with flouride or other additives. Be sure all your food is organic and not GM food. Stay away from anything unhealthy such as prepared foods or Fast Food. Fresh fruit in season, is best. Honey and black strap molasses can serve to quench the “sweet-tooth”. After only a very short time you will discover that your child feels better and behaves better and learns better. Best of all it won’t be long before they NOTICE that they feel better. After then it becomes much easier to keep their bodies free from destructive substances because they want to be free of them.

Think! Please think about what you are doing to your children. If your child’s school suggests medication for your son or daughter, I would suggest another school. All through history children have been raised to adulthood and taught to read and write. How many of them do you suppose had ADHD? But many of those same children went on to excell.

Another thing to google when you are looking up the number of medicated children in the USA is how many CEOs are probably (or admit to being) ADHD.

Love your children. Listen to them. But please do NOT medicate them.

about marriages that end after 40 years

10 Jun

I have been wanting to write something about long term marriages which end amicably.  I wish there were more of them.  When two people who have loved each other decide to give each other the freedom to live their lives in a new way and go forward without each other they should be given some praise.  Such honesty is hard to come by.  It takes real guts to break lose after so many years.  All the friends who have admired such a marriage feel betrayed, dishonored somehow.  But they should not.  The fact is that it is respectful and courageous and honest and true to be transparent and put an end to a relationship that is no longer working.  This does nothing to negate all the positives from before.  People change.  And it is in this changing and growing which would not have happened without the mutual support of both parties, that the beauty of the marriage shines through.

It is possible that only successful marriages can end so amicably.  It is also possible that it is the very success that breeds the strength to leave each other after the growth is completed.  It could be that we are not designed to remain together more than 40 years.  So many marriages barely make it that long before someone dies.  But if both parties are healthy and seem ready to live an additional 30 or so years, then it might be a better solution for all to start over.  There is no disgrace in staying mostly happy for forty years.  Congratulations to all who succeed in doing that.

Marriage vows, like religion itself were designed to promote order, not to force people to live together as punishment for living a long life.  In ancient times it was practically unheard of to stay alive so long that each was still married to the other for over 40 years.  Now it is common in those who have not already divorced years before.  Obviously I do not believe that it is wrong to divorce after more than 40 years since I did exactly that.  It was not something we took lightly.  We really thought about it, talked about and allowed others to council us about it.  Yet we knew it was the thing to do for us.  It is only now, years later that I can see how very right it was.  It also shocks me when I remember how brave we were to do it.  Our family and friends were all scandalized.  Yet we were more or less serene.  For us the marriage was already over.  It was not shocking to us.  And as the years have passed I have become completely comfortable with that decision.   I often council others who are struggling with the idea or the repercussions of divorce.